When ‘no’ is right answer

何航

你是不是也遇到过同样的问题：总是觉得“不”字在心口难开？怎样礼貌拒绝他人又不会导致“友尽”？赶快来学一下说“不”的艺术吧！

No. It’s a simple word, but it can be so difficult to say. Whether it’s a favor asked by a friend, or a request from a colleague, many people will say “yes” because they hate to let others down and saying “no” makes them feel uncomfortable.
一个简单的“不”字往往令人难以启齿。不论是朋友的求助还是同事的请求，很多人都会说“好”，因为他们不想令对方失望，而且说“不”也会让他们自己感到别扭。

According to an article in The Wall Street Journal, people will even agree to unethical requests rather than risk the discomfort of saying no. In a recent study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers recruited 25 college students and had them ask 108 strangers to vandalize a library book by writing a word in ink on one of the pages. While many of the strangers pointed out it was the wrong thing to do, or asked the students to take responsibility for any repercussions, half of the strangers agreed to deface the book — much more than the average of 29 percent that the students predicted. “One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling that we belong” Vanessa Bohns, who led the study, told The Wall Street Journal. “Saying ‘no’ feels threatening to our relationships.”
《华尔街日报》的一篇文章写道，人们为了规避说“不”所带来的不快，宁愿答应一些“不情之请”。《性格与社会心理学公报》近期刊登了一篇调查研究，研究小组招募了25名大学生，派他们请求108位陌生人在图书馆的书上涂鸦。尽管很多人指责该行为，或要求学生们对后果负责，但仍有一半的陌生人同意在书上写字，该比例远超学生们之前预想的29%这一平均比例。“我们的基本需求之一就是社会关系和归属感，”该研究项目带头人瓦妮莎•伯恩斯在接受《华尔街日报》采访时表示，“人们觉得，说‘不’会威胁到他们的人际关系。”
And we worry that saying no will change the way the other person views us. If you have a reputation of being a helpful and accommodating person, it is even harder to say no because you don’t want to hurt that good reputation, says Adam Grant, a professor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.
“此外，我们还担心说‘不’会改变别人对我们的看法。如果你已经树立起一种乐于助人、随和通融的形象，便会因为不想将其毁于一旦，更加难以说‘不’。”宾夕法尼亚大学沃顿商学院教授亚当•格兰特说道。
“Every ‘no’ is a missed opportunity to make a difference and build a relationship,” Grant wrote in a column for The Huffington Post.
在为《赫芬顿邮报》撰写的专栏文章中，格兰特写道：“每说一次‘不’，就意味着你错失了一个扭转乾坤和建立关系的良机。”
Choose wisely
明智之选
Saying no is a rejection and a lot of times it does hurt feelings. But even so, psychologists say, most people probably won’t take our “no” as badly as we think they will. That’s because of something called a “harshness bias” — our tendency to believe others will judge us more severely than they actually do.
说“不”就意味着拒绝，这在很多情况下的确很伤感情。然而，心理学家指出，即便如此，大多数人可能并不像我们想得那样在意“不”字。这是出于一种“严重性偏向”心理——我们往往会把别人对我们的实际评价估计得过于严重。
For those people pleasers, Grant says there’s a big difference between pleasing people and helping them. “Being a giver is not about saying yes to all of the people all of the time to all of the requests. It’s about saying yes to some of the people (generous givers who will return your favor, but not necessarily the selfish takers) some of the time (when it won’t compromise your own goals and ambitions) to some of the requests (when you have resources or skills that are uniquely relevant).”
格兰特认为，对于那些取悦别人的人而言，取悦与帮助之间存在巨大差别。“给予者并不意味着任何时候对于任何人的任何要求都要说‘好’，而是在一些时候（在不损害个人目标和抱负的前提下）对一些人（是那些滴水之恩，涌泉相报的人，而不是那些自私自利的索取者）的一些要求（当只有你具备相关的资源和能力时）说‘好’。”
Always saying yes can make us overcommitted and put us under too much pressure. Saying no helps us protect our own priorities, psychologist Judith Sills told The Wall Street Journal. Another important reason to say no, Sills says, is it keeps us from caving in to peer pressure. “To have your own values, sometimes you have to say ‘no’ to people with whom you don’t agree,” Sills says.
“一味的‘老好人’会让我们过于受制于人，倍感压力。相反，说‘不’则会帮助我们优先处理自己的事务。”心理学家朱迪斯•希尔斯在接受《华尔街日报》访问时说。“另一个说‘不’的重要原因是，”希尔斯说，“它能让我们避免向同辈压力屈服。保持自己的原则，有时候不同意别人的情况下你必须说‘不’。”