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发表于 2014-3-31 18:02:50
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我在那篇小说中写道:“没处可去我便一天到晚耗在这园子里。跟上班下班一样,别人去上班我就摇了轮椅到这儿来。园子无人看管,上下班时间有些抄近路的人们从园中穿过,园子里活跃一阵,过后便沉寂下来。” I wrote in one story, “With no place to go, I used to spend the whole day in the park every day: other people went to work; I went to the park. It was an abandoned park. When it was time to go to work or time to go home, people took shortcuts through the park, and it became animated for a while. Afterwards, it was still.”
“园墙在金晃晃的空气中斜切下一溜荫凉,我把轮椅开进去,把椅背放倒,坐着或是躺着,看书或者想事,撅一杈树枝左右拍打,驱赶那些和我一样不明白为什么要来这世上的小昆虫。”“In the dazzling golden sunlight, the park’s wall provided shade: I wheeled myself over there, put the back of the wheelchair down, and—either sitting or lying down—I read or thought. I would break off a cypress twig and drive away the insects who didn’t know any better than I did why they had been born in this world.”
“蜂儿如一朵小雾稳稳地停在半空;蚂蚁摇头晃脑捋着触须,猛然间想透了什么,转身疾行而去;瓢虫爬得不耐烦了,累了祈祷一回便支开翅膀,忽悠一下升空了;树干上留着一只蝉蜕,寂寞如一间空屋;露水在草叶上滚动,聚集,压弯了草叶轰然坠地摔开万道金光。”“A bee like a tiny piece of mist hung on in midair; an ant was deep in thought, its head wagging and its antennae quivering, and then, all of a sudden, it must have come up with the right answer, for it turned back and scudded off; the ladybug climbed around wearily, stopped to pray for a while, and then, flapping its wings, suddenly soared to the sky; on the tree trunk there was one cicada, as lonely as an empty room; dew rolled around on the leaves of weeds, and then coalesced, weighing the leaves down until they broke into thousands of rays of golden light.”
“满园子都是草木竞相生长弄出的响动,窸窸窣窣片刻不息。”这都是真实的记录,园子荒芜但并不衰败。“The whole park was astir with the sound of weeds, bushes, and trees growing, all shattering ceaselessly。” This was all true: the park was a wasteland, but far from going downhill.
除去几座殿堂我无法进去,除去那座祭坛我不能上去而只能从各个角度张望它,地坛的每一棵树下我都去过,差不多它的每一米草地上都有过我的车轮印。无论是什么季节,什么天气,什么时间,我都在这园子里呆过。
Aside from some buildings that I had no way to enter, aside from the altar that I had no way to reach but could only gaze at from every possible vantage point, I had been under every tree in the park, and my chair’s wheel-prints were left on almost every meter of grass. I had spent time in this park in all seasons, all kinds of weather, and all times of the day.
有时候呆一会儿就回家,有时候就呆到满地上都亮起月光。记不清都是在它的哪些角落里了,我一连几小时专心致志地想关于死的事,也以同样的耐心和方式想过我为什么要出生。
Sometimes, I stayed only a short time and then went home; sometimes, I stayed until the entire ground was alight with moonbeams. I don’t remember which corners of the park I was in then.
这样想了好几年,最后事情终于弄明白了:一个人,出生了,这就不再是一个可以辩论的问题,而只是上帝交给他的一个事实;上帝在交给我们这件事实的时候,已经顺便保证了它的结果,所以死是一件不必急于求成的事,死是一个必然会降临的节日。
For several hours in a row, I was totally absorbed in thinking about death, and just as patiently, I pondered why I had to be born. This kind of thinking went on for quite a few years until I finally understood: a person’s birth isn’t a question for debate, but is the reality handed to him by God. When God hands us this reality, he has already incidentally assured its end, so death is something one needn’t be anxious to bring about; death is a festival that is sure to befall you.
这样想过之后我安心多了,眼前的一切不再那么可怕。比如你起早熬夜准备考试的时候,忽然想起有一个长长的假期在前面等待你,你会不会觉得轻松一点?并且庆幸并且感激这样的安排?
After thinking this through, I felt greatly relieved: nothing would ever be so frightening again. Let me put it this way: just think, when you get up early and stay up late preparing for an exam, and suddenly it occurs to you that—just ahead—a long vacation is waiting for you, don’t you feel a little better? And aren’t you happy and grateful for this arrangement?
剩下的就是怎样活的问题了,这却不是在某一个瞬间就能完全想透的、不是一次性能够解决的事,怕是活多久就要想它多久了,就像是伴你终生的魔鬼或恋人。
All that’s left is the question of how to live, but this is not something you can think through in an instant, not something that you can solve once and for all: you have to think about it your whole life, however long that is. It’s a demon or a lover who is your lifelong companion.
所以,十五年了,我还是总得到那古园里去,去它的老树下或荒草边或颓墙旁,去默坐,去呆想,去推开耳边的嘈杂理一理纷乱的思绪,去窥看自己的心魂。十五年中,这古园的形体被不能理解它的人肆意雕琢,幸好有些东西是任谁也不能改变它的。
And so, for fifteen years, I had to go to this old park, go under the old trees or next to the neglected weeds or beside the dilapidated walls, sit in silence or think blankly, break through the feelings of chaotic disarray that were all around me, and peep at my soul. In fifteen years, people who didn’t understand this old park had wantonly altered some of its design and structure. Fortunately, there were some things that no one could change about it.
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